Life of Sue
by anothersphinx
Summary: Failing to copy with the psychological trauma that comes with being constantly desired by every single person she meets, a real-life Mary Sue attempts to talk to a psychotherapist. The results are... predictable.


_Thursday, June 13th 2013 - Doctor Sarah Berkinshaw: T__ranscript of interview 001 with patient Mary Sue Lilliath Stardust Moonshine Black, notes added. Patient seemed nervous, fidgety and - surprisingly cute. Said she was in good mental condition._

"I'm... perfect.  
No, really, I am. Please, don't laugh, I'm.. I'm being serious... You've got to help me. Please. I... I-I don't know if I can take this any longer. Nobody believes me... and I don't blame them.

What I mean? _(patient laughs tiredly_) You'd be the first one not to notice. It's... okay. This is... what happens all the time. People are... (_pause, patient exhales audibly_)... attracted to me. Men mostly, few women. Women, they just... adore me. I really can't explain it. Wherever I go, whatever I do, most people love me. I mean, really love me. They're actually in love with me, from the moment they see me. (_patient huffs a desperate laugh and shrugs her shoulders, which are not only tanned to a perfect shade of light bronze but also defined with the just right amount of muscle tone)_

I'm... I-I'm trying to fight it. Last week, I... (_patient motions to her astounding mass of shimmering naturally blonde locks, the perfectly healthy ends of which brush gently against her waist when she moves to the side)_ I cut it all off. I... hurt myself. (_she presents the perfectly even and flawless skin on the underside of both her slim arms)_ The next morning I was.. back to this! (_tears appear in the large orbs of her beautiful, exotically colored eyes)_ No matter **what** I do, no matter what I say or where I go... they love me. They do **everything **for me.

(_She stops for a moment, sucking a deep calming breath into a - no doubt - perfectly shapely and healthy set of pink lungs)_ Look, I don't expect you to understand, or even believe me, but... The other week I met the Avengers. Okay? I have absolutely **no **clue how the fuck that even happened or where they came from, but suddenly they were there! In their costumes! The real deal! And everyone acted like it was normal - like we were in the actual movie! (_the patient shakes her beautiful head in complete and utter confusion, and although what she's saying is completely absurd, I can't help but smile at her encouragingly)_.

I know what you're thinking! It's not possible, right?! That's what I thought, but... I **saw **them! They were there! Just they were like in the film... except.. not. (_she pauses a second_) I mean, Thor proposed to me! And.. I think Tony Stark asked me to start a family with him! And it's not even the first time this happened!

(_patient rings her perfectly manicured hands in desperation_) Before that, there were vampires! Like, actual **vampires**! Those sparkling kids from those books! And that one, a blonde boy, started talking about soul mates and smell and something like that, and I just... I can't take this! **Nobody **mentions it! Ever! I meet wizards and elves and Jedi, and **no-bo-dy **even talks about it afterwards! **NOBODY**! But I know they're there, I do, really! They.. they try to do every possible thing to me, and people just act like it's completely normal!

(_patient is now crying perfectly silent tears of an intense blue while her face otherwise remains perfectly dignified and beautiful)_ I know I'm not crazy. So why is this happening to me?!"

She continues to sob uncontrollably. Just as I'm about to get up from my desk and wrap my arms around her perfect hour-glass figure, we're interrupted by the glass shattering at the far end of my office. A tall, broad, green-haired figure stands in the broken window, dressed completely in a dark purple suit with white, red and black warpaint smeared across his face. "He, he, he, hello there, beauuutiful," the man slurs and smacks his lips. "Wanna, uh, know how I got these scars?"

"Oh gods, not you again," the patient cries and rolls her eyes at the man as she throws her head back in exhaustion. I feel the irresistible urge to jump her and protect her from this hideous intruder, but before the notion can overtake me, my door is kicked open with so much force it cracks one of its hinges and slams into the wall. "Ahoy, lass!" A dark-haired, tanned... pirate with a red bandanna and a broad hat atop his impressively long dark dreadlocks steps in. "Captain Jack Sparrow, here to sweep ye off yer feet and onto the Black Pearl so we can sail the seven seas together _forever_, savvy?"

"See what I mean?! The woman howls, gesturing to the men. "Excuse me," Joker growls, ignoring her from where he's still stood in the shards of the window he shattered in his spectacular entrance. "But I believe I, uh, was here first." Nonchalantly, he produces a knife from the depths of his jacket, but before he can bring it to good use against the pirate captain, suddenly the whole ground begins to shake.

Everyone dives for the patient at once, planning to save her in any way possible from whatever horrible nightmare is occurring, but then the ground splits open and a giant robot begins to yank its way out, a massive heap of blue, red and white metal, blocking our paths.

"My name is Optimus Prime, and I will love you until I die."


End file.
